ROAD RAGE -- HOW YOU CAN GET INVOLVED
by
Bill Fitzhugh

Every day I receive letters like the following: "Dear Bill -- I just read another newspaper story about road rage and it reminded me of how much I want to get involved! The problem is, I don’t know where to start." Signed, Frustrated in Fresno.

Dear Frustrated: We’ve all read the stories, and we’re all getting fed up with it. Why? Because the reporters who write these articles invariably say things like, "Mr. Jones was upset after being cut off in traffic so he followed the offending driver to the next off ramp where, like a crazed, blood-thirsty vigilante, he punched the other driver in the nose."

The problem here is the reporter’s inexact use of the phrase "cut off in traffic." It would be far more accurate to report, "As Mr. Jones was properly maintaining the sixty-five mile per hour speed limit, he became justifiably outraged when another driver cut in front of him while simultaneously braking, nearly forcing Mr. Jones and his two children into a concrete bridge abutment where they would have met a horrible, violent death. Mr. Jones then showed remarkable and commendable restraint by following the attempted murderer to an off ramp where he merely punched him in the nose, like a parent might spank a small child who nearly burned the house down with everyone in it."

Now there’s nothing we can do about bad reporting, but I have come up with some simple guidelines to help all of the frustrated drivers out there who want to get involved! Following is my helpful step-by-step guide to dealing with someone who "cuts you off in traffic," i.e., someone who nearly kills you and/or all of your loved ones.

STEP 1. Size up your prey. Punk-ass teenager? Blue haired biddy? Dipshit yuppie? Gang member? The question to ask yourself is, can I take him or her in a quick fight? (Helpful hint: look for NRA, Marine Corp, or any martial art bumper stickers before making your move.)

If yes, proceed to Step Two.

If no, either arm yourself or get your skinny ass to a gym and buff up so you can take care of yourself. You ought to be ashamed.

STEP 2. Do not try to run the offender off the road, you might cause an accident, injuring innocent drivers. Instead, follow the offender at a discrete distance until they get home or otherwise park their car.

STEP 3. Look out for witnesses. Think about it. If a passerby sees you walk up and punch someone who is just getting out of their car, YOU will look like the bad guy. Since there’s no time to put it into context for witnesses, avoid them at all costs.

STEP 4. Size ‘em up again. Are you confident that you can take them down with one good sucker punch to the kidney or nose?

If yes, proceed to Step 5. If no, go to 5a.

STEP 5. Approach the offending driver rapidly and -- without warning -- yell, "Learn how to drive you idiot!" then quickly open up a six-pack of whoop-ass on ‘em. Do not yell prematurely! That just gives the offender time to flee or get into a defensive stance.

STEP 5a. Wait until the offender is in his or her home or otherwise out of sight. Approach the offender’s vehicle and smash all the windows or slash the tires -- your car’s tire iron is perfect for the former, that hunting knife you ought to be carrying for things like this works for the latter. And leave a note saying something to the effect of, "Learn how to drive you idiot!"

STEP 6. Extract yourself from the site immediately. You’ve made your point and you’ve got a million other things to do. There’s no reason to linger. People imagining themselves as "good Samaritans" might come along and start asking questions and writing down license plate numbers.

The whole point here is to demonstrate to the offending driver that their actions on the road -- just like in real life -- have consequences. Sometimes, severe consequences. It’s all about accepting responsibility for your actions. Remember: THEY started it. And don’t listen to any of that "two wrongs don’t make a right" crap. You are simply doing what the police and the courts don’t have the time or the wisdom to do.

The fact is, if no one points out to these idiots, in especially strong terms, that they nearly killed someone with that lane change, then they have no reason to stop changing lanes that way, do they? This is the same reason we put murderers in jail for months at a time -- we’re trying to teach an important lesson here. Maybe these people don’t even realize what they’re doing is dangerous -- and that’s just another reason to explain it to them. Think of yourself as an educator who is saving lives.

Now get out there and teach.

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