 THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE MEET GOD THE ALMIGHTY by Bill Fitzhugh [ Author's Note: This is a script I was hired to write as an 'audition' for becoming the writer for the Monty Python and the Holy Grail CD ROM interactive game. Turns out I didn't get the job, though I think I should have. Instead they hired some guy named Eric Idle ... bastard. At any rate, this is what I submitted. Be sure to read it with appropriate Monty Python accents. ] |
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EXT. THE FENS - DAY KING ARTHUR AND HIS MEN ARE MUCKING THROUGH BLEAK AND BOGGY ACREAGE. EACH STEP RESULTS IN SLICK, SQUISHY, SUCKING SOUNDS. IT'S QUITE NOISY AND RUDE IN AN AMUSING SORT OF WAY. AFTER A MOMENT, BEDEVERE STOPS, THE OTHERS FOLLOW SUIT. BEDEVERE
(TO ARTHUR, RESIGNED) My liege, I fear we have lost our way and our quest shall have reached a fruitless end. What do you say we call it quits and seek something other than this mythic grail? GALAHAD
I concur with Sir Bedevere, except for his use of the future perfect tense. Let us admit defeat and duck off to the nearest pub for a stout. ARTHUR
Lose not your faith, good sir knights! For we... BEDEVERE
(NOW QUITE IRRITATED) Lose not our faith?! It's better than losing our minds, which is what you've done. We've been on this wonky quest for twenty-five bleedin' years! I think it's about time we lost a bit of faith. What about you, mates?BEFORE THE KNIGHTS RESPOND, LAUNCELOT STEPS FORWARD AND SILENCES THEM. LAUNCELOT
Forgive him my liege, methinks Bedevere has gone mad or has perhaps fallen prey to the temptation of despair. Yet I am sure the remaining Knights of the Round Table maintain their faith and... GALAHAD
Not so fast, Sir Launcelot! Bedevere's got a point. I mean, twenty-five years, for God's sake, we could've had six crusades and a Spanish Inquisition by now, although no one would expect such. ROBIN
Hold on! The Crusades aren't until the Twelfth century I not to mention the Spanish Inquisition which is in, what, 1233? GALAHAD
No, no, no. That's the Papal Inquisition, you ninny. The Spanish Inquisition isn't unti1 1478, but that's not the point. The point is... ROBIN
Wait a minute! I'll tell you what the point is. The point is accuracy. Not much good in tossing around facts and figures if they're inaccurate, they rather lose their significance, you know? I mean, when did we start this quest, 932 AD? KING ARTHUR
I believe so, though I must admit it's been quite a while since I've seen the opening sequence of the film which, if I recall correctly, indicates a date roughly in that time frame. ROBIN
That's my point! You can't cite the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition if they don't happen for -- what ...[FIGURING] ...let's see, we started in 932, add twenty-five years ...so it's 957 now? I mean, you're talking about events a hundred years or so in the future. Talk about your anachronisms. GALAHAD
(IRRITATED) It was just an example, good Sir Robin! I was simply trying to illustrate how long twenty-five years is. (ASIDE) Literal-headed git. ROBIN
Still, the fact is you couldn't really have a Spanish Inquisition in twenty-five years since they last about 350.AN OLD WOMAN IN SACKCLOTH WALKS THROUGH THE SCENE CARRYING A CAT BY ITS TAIL. SHE STOPS ONCE OR TWICE TO HURL THE CAT AGAINST THE GROUND WHERE IT MAKES A MEAN YOWLING SOUND. THE KNIGHTS PAUSE AS THEY WATCH. THEN SHE IS GONE AND WE HEAR ONE MORE YOWL FROM OFF SCREEN BEFORE BEDEVERE SPEAKS. BEDEVERE
You could have a small one, like a Swedish Inquisition, they only take about six years. GAWAIN
That's true, or you could have eight crusades with enough time left to deal with the heresy of the Albigenses. KING ARTHUR
Silence! Enough of this! Cling tightly to your faith, good Sir Knights! We are but in need of piety and trust in our heavenly father. For it is only upon surrender of such temporal concepts as logic and fact that we reach state of grace. BEDEVERE
State of grace?! We don't need a bloody state of grace. What we need is a map! OTHER KNIGHTS
Yes a map! We need a map! KING ARTHUR
Yes, alright, perhaps a map would be helpful.A BEASTLY GROWL SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE. THE KNIGHTS LOOK AROUND FOR THE SOURCE BEFORE CONTINUING. ROBIN
Wait! I have a question. Who are the Albigenses? KING ARTHUR
A religious sect in the south of France. A rather nasty bunch, really, prone to taunting. But they don't show up until the 12th century. ROBIN
Oh. Thanks. KING ARTHUR
Don't mention it.SUDDENLY, THE KNIGHTS ARE SET UPON BY A GIANT NEWT. KING ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Watch out! It's the giant Newt of Gingrich! Draw your swords and prepare for battle!ARTHUR TURNS TO FACE THE SCREEN. KING ARTHUR (CONT'D)
And you, good Sir Knight Not Appearing In The Film, for the sake of the Grail and all that is holy, get off your duff and help!THE GIANT NEWT DARTS ABOUT THE SCREEN, OCCASSIONALLY DUCKING IN TO BITE OFF AN APPENDIGE OF THE KNIGHTS AT RANDOM. GOOD SIR KNIGHT NOT APPEARING IN THE FILM AND HIS TRUSTY SIDEKICK, CURSOR THE FOUL MOUSE, MUST CHOOSE THE PROPER WEAPON (from those held by the Knights) AND SLAY THE GIANT NEWT. BUT YOU MUST HURRY, FOR IF THE NEWT EATS AN ENTIRE KNIGHT, THAT KNIGHT IS LOST. WHEN THE NEWT IS FINALLY SLAIN, IT REGURGITATES THE APPENDIGES IT ATE AND THE KNIGHTS ARE MADE WHOLE AGAIN. ONCE THAT'S TAKEN CARE OF, THE QUEST CONTINUES. KING ARTHUR
Well, that was a nasty bit of business, what? BEDEVERE
That's the sort of thing I'm on about. Roaming this dismal countryside, without a bloody clue about where we're going, and periodically having to slay a giant newt! I mean what sort of quest is this? GALAHAD
Yeah! I say we call it quits! KING ARTHUR
Oh, what a dark day it is when the good and faithful Knights of the Roundtable fall into despair. I call upon you to summon your courage and recall your faith in God above so that we may continue our mission.AFTER A PAUSE, AND WITHOUT ANYTHING RESEMBLING ENTHUSIASM, THE KNIGHTS FINALLY RESPOND. THE KNIGHTS
Yeah, alright. Let's get on with it. There's nothing else to do, I suppose. (Etc.)ARTHUR FALLS TO HIS KNEES. KING ARTHUR
Come then, let us pray.SOME OF THE KNIGHTS KNEEL, OTHERS ROLL THEIR EYES, STAND AROUND WITH ARMS FOLDED,ETC. KING ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Oh lord, we humbly implore thee and ask if, in your infinite wisdom and generosity -- if you will aid us in our quest?ARTHUR AND THE OTHERS WAIT, EYES TRAINED HEAVENWARDS. THEY GET NO RESPONSE. AFTER A MOMENT, LAUNCELOT TURNS TO ARTHUR. LAUNCELOT
Perhaps he's taking a leak.SUDDENLY THE SKIES DARKEN AND OMINOUS RUMBLINGS ARE HEARD. THE KNIGHTS LOOK FEARFULLY AT ONE ANOTHER. SIR ROBIN LOOKS MOST FRIGHTENED. ROBIN
Oh my God! GALAHAD
What is it, Sir Robin? ROBIN
I've wet my armour again.ARTHUR REDOUBLES HIS EFFORTS, PRAYING MORE FERVENTLY. ARTHUR
Oh most holy and righteous heavenly father, we beseech thee...A BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT AND A MIGHTY CLAP OF THUNDER INTERRUPTS ARTHUR'S PRAYER. THE DARK CLOUDS PART AND ALMIGHTY GOD APPEARS, LOOKING RATHER LIKE THE BAHGWAN SRI RASHNEESH (FORMERLY OF AN ASHRAM IN OREGON, NOW QUITE DEAD). GOD
What's all this, then? ARTHUR
It is I, Lord. Arthur, King of the Britons. GOD
I know who you are, for Christ's sake. I am God, after all. Now stop beseeching me! And stand up on those legs I gave you.
GOD
What did I tell you about that?! Always beseeching, entreating, and imploring me for for this and that. It's all rather tiresome, not to mention how demeaning it is. Do you really think I enjoy all this placating and appeasing rhetoric?ARTHUR PAUSES TO THINK ABOUT IT.
GOD
(IRRITATED) Why the bloody hell do you think I gave you a brain?! KING ARTHUR
Sorry. (THEN, QUICKLY) Oops! Sorry about apologizing, I mean not "sorry," sorry. I know how you hate all that grovelling. Sorry. GOD
Just shut up for a minute. What is it you want?GAWAIN STEPS FORWARD, SPEAKS TO ARTHUR. GAWAIN
My liege, if I may? KING ARTHUR
By all means. GAWAIN
It's true, is it not, oh Lord, that you are all knowing and all seeing? GOD
Course it's true... how do you think I got the job? You don't become creator of all things great and small by being a nitwit. BEDEVERE
(INTERRUPTING) Well then how about you just tell us where the bloody grail is and let us get on with it?! GOD
Oooh, isn't that always how it is? You spend a couple of lousy decades poking about the countryside and when the Grail doesn't just jump up and bite you on the ass, you come running, expecting me to give you the answers.ARTHUR FALLS TO HIS KNEES AGAIN.
GOD
Stop interrupting me! It reeeeallly gets my knickers in a wad how you call on me only when you need something. You never call just to say thanks for the beautiful sunset or that nice bit of fanny I sent your way, do you? Nooooo, it's always, "Could you help me with my dying mother," or "Can you cure my blind- ness?" All that whining about such petty things. Well I'm sick and tired of it!
GOD
If you don't stop begging I'll smite you one. And I'm just the god to do it! ROBIN
Please oh Lord, we beseech thee... GOD
Right! That does it!GOD SUDDENLY POINTS AT SIR ROBIN AND HIS HEAD TURNS INTO A BUNCH OF BROCCOLI. HIS HANDS GROPE ABOUT FEELING HIS NEW VEGETATIVE STATE. GOD
There! Now if any of the rest of you want to try me, consider how you'll look as a parsnip. Well?THE KNIGHTS LOOK AT SIR ROBIN, THEN ONE ANOTHER. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS. GOD
Right! Well, here's a little something you'll be interested in I'm sure. In keeping pace with modern technology, the heavenly invocation sub-committee on supplicant communications has adopted and installed a new system of electronic petitioning. KING ARTHUR
A what? GOD
It's a little something we're calling G-mail, and it works like this. You have some pathetic request you want me to fulfill, like, oh, I don't know, curing a sick child or such. Well, all you do is take one of these...A BLANK G-MAIL FORM APPEARS GOD (CONT'D)
...simply fill out the form, submit it through proper channels and I'll get 'round to it when I've got the time. It's all very efficient and saves quite a bit of wear and tear on your knees, which weren't my best design in the first place. Any questions?THEY ALL LOOK AT SIR ROBIN THE BROCOLLI HEAD, THEN LOOK BACK TO GOD, SHAKING THEIR HEADS, "NO." GOD (CONT'D)
Right! Good answer.GOD POINTS AGAIN AT SIR ROBIN AND HIS HEAD RETURNS TO NORMAL. GOD (CONT'D)
Now be gone! You've got a quest. So off you go.AND WITH ANOTHER FLASH OF LIGHT AND CLAP OF THUNDER, GOD IS GONE. THERE IS MUCH MURMURING AMONG THE KNIGHTS BEFORE BEDEVERE TURNS TO KING ARTHUR. BEDEVERE
KING ARTHUR LOOKS AT HIS KNIGHTS WITH DISAPPOINTMENT BEFORE HEADING OFF ON THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY QUAIL, ER, GRAIL. THE KNIGHTS GRUMBLING AMONG THEMSELVES AS THEY FOLLOW.Let's G-mail a request for some damsels. What do you say my liege? ©1999-2001, Reduviidae, Inc. - All rights reserved |