 CONFESSING YOUR ECO-SINS by Bill ‘Father Superior’ Fitzhugh |
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I was sitting here in March of 2000, minding my own business, when I got an email from a pleasant woman who worked for a company called Verde Media. They were part of what we were calling the ‘new economy’ at the time. They were a DOTCOM. A pro environment DOTCOM no less. The woman said someone at her company had read my first two novels (each of which convey what would have to be considered ‘pro-green’ sentiments) and they had decided to ask me to write something for their new website. "Okay," I wrote back, "I could write a short piece on some eco-issue, but in what format? Short story? Essay? Maybe something like, The Recycling Monologues?" "No," Ellen replied, "I don’t think so." While we waited for inspiration, I told Ellen my third novel (Cross Dressing) didn’t really have an eco-angle and, for that matter, either did my fourth (Fender Benders). I was quick to add that of course I was still green, it’s just that those stories happened not to be. "So what’s the third book about?" Ellen asked. "It’s sort of a satire on the religion and advertising industries. I’m a ---" See, I was going to write, "I’m an ex-Catholic" and proceed from there. But ‘ex-Catholic’ sounds like I once embraced the faith. God knows I tried, but it never really worked. Early on -- before I could possibly understand what they were telling me -- the nuns and priests at my school said, "You’re a Catholic. Here," and handed me a copy of the Apostles Creed. "This is what you believe." "It is?" I read it over and over and thought, "huh?" But I digress. "I’ve got it," Ellen said. "Eco-confession!" Again I thought, "huh?" "You ask questions that solicit the eco-sins of our readers," she explained. "I get to be like, Father Eco-Superior?" I asked, warming to the idea. "Exactly." "And I get to determine the sins and assign the penance for each transgression?" "Yes!" "How severe can the penance be?" I asked, recalling some old Catholic methods of killing heretics. Burning at the stake came to mind. "Oh, nothing really bad," Ellen said. "Just funny stuff, you know." See now, that’s a perfect example of why so many eco-things are in the condition they’re in. No one gets punished enough to deter others from doing likewise. I was reminded of a news story I read recently out of China. The government announced they would publically execute any government official who had been caught and convicted of taking bribes. Now that’s what I’m talking about. You think that kind of punishment won’t cut way down on those sorts of shenanegins? Please. The problem is, the government here (restrained as it is by the Bill of Rights) doesn’t have the umph (for lack of a better word) to execute a few symbolic eco-offenders. But again, I digress. So here we go, folks. Step right up and confess your eco-sins. Here’s how it works: Answer each question below and you’ll be ranked with fellow sinners and be given your pennance. No eternal damnation here, unless of course you consider living in a world with foul air and water your definition of hell. 1. In the past month I have thrown recyclable items in the regular trash because: A) I didn’t know any betterIf you answered "A" you’ve just commited a regular sin, (the one known as lying) on top of an eco-sin. Shame on you. If you answered "B" you should seek help not from a spiritual advisor like myself, but from someone authorized to prescribe psychotropic medication. If you answered "C" you should be ashamed of yourself. The care and feeding of this planet is not a matter of your personal convenience. If you don’t have the fortitude to carry your recyclable trash to a proper recycling containter, then just learn to do without whatever generated the trash to begin with. You’ll be a better person and the world’s overused landfills will be choked on that much less crap. (And I don’t care that the second to last sentence ended with a preposition. I agree with Winston Churchill that the rule against ending sentences with prepositions "is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put.") PENANCE FOR FAILURE TO RECYCLE: Go through public trash cans removing recyclable materials until you fill a large (recyclable) bag. (If you feel really guilty, you may explain your transgression to passersby -- this is the eco-version of self-flagellation.) Then take the materials to a recycling center. Then, and only then, are you forgiven. 2. I failed to say (or gesture) something damning to the driver of an SUV with only one passenger because A) I thought it was someone else’s jobIf you answered "A" you’re not alone. Many otherwise well-meaning citizens believe there is an independent division of eco-cops who issue stern warnings and incriminating glances at the nitwits who waste gas at roughly twice the normal (U.S.) rate of waste while generating roughly three times the amount of ‘greenhouse gasses.’ But you know as well as I do that the road to hell is paved with well-meaning and uninformed citizens. It is your duty to let the SUV drivers know they are evil sinners. Want proof? Here’s a fun little syllogism for your next encounter with an SUV driver: (1) Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins (2) Consuming more of something than is necessary is gluttony (3) SUV’s consume WAY more than necessary -- thus, you’re going to hell! If you answered "B" I know what you’re talking about. Those SUV people spend more time on the phone when they’re driving than they do at home. My guess is, most of the SUVs are so damn big, the drivers actually think they are in their home and the world is just breezing past their living room window. The best you can do is lean on your horn and interrupt their chat. This, unfortunately leads to increased noise pollution and is all the more reason to castigate the SUV people, "See what you made me do!" If you answered "C" you have a good grasp of physics. A better idea is to make your comment or gesture after the SUV person has parked his or her tank (in two parking spaces). PENANCE FOR FAILURE TO CASTIGATE SUV DRIVERS: Make up some bumper stickers ("Screw The Environment! I My SUV!") and put them on all the SUVs in your local grocery store parking lot. 3. I throw my cigarette butts out of my car window because A) I don’t want the inside of my car to stinkIf you answered "A" it’s too late. The inside of your car already stinks because you smoke in it. How stupid are you? So stupid you think the size of the litter you blithly toss out your window can make it okay? The world is not your damn ashtray. (Note: If you ever see anyone do this at say, a red light, get out of your car, pick up the burning butt and toss it back in the offender’s car with a friendly, "Here, you dropped this.") If you answered "B" you are a menace to society. First of all it is illegal in most states to throw burning debris from a moving vehicle. Secondly, you’re supposed to keep your eyes on the road in FRONT of you, not behind you. No wonder so many people die on our roads. Next time, pull over and extinguish your cigarette by plunging it into one of your eyes, check out the pattern of sparks and get back to me. If you answered "C" you get what you deserve, although most of your tumors will probably be in your lungs -- and the lungs of whomever inhales the majority of your secondhand smoke. PENANCE FOR TOSSING CIGARETTE BUTTS OUT YOUR CAR WINDOW: Go to any gutter in the city and start picking up butts. Do this until you fill a large (recyclable) bag. Don’t worry, there are so many out there, you’ll be finished in no time. (Bonus: If you run across a lit butt, you’re free to smoke it!) Again, if you feel really guilty, you may engage in the aforementioned eco-version of self-flagellation. Finally, take the sack of butts and carry them in your car for a week before disposing of them properly. You will soon stop smoking, and you can thank me later. Those are all the sins we have time for today. I hope all you eco-sinners have learned a valuable lesson. Of course for those of you who aren’t sinners yourself, but who have ‘friends’ who are, be sure they come to confession soon. This offer of mercy and forgiveness will expire sooner or later, so hurry. You don’t want to die with these sins on your soul and you never know when someone in an SUV who is so busy yakking on the phone about the high price of gasoline that they don’t notice you is going to crush your little car and kill you. Have a nice day. Postscript: Sadly, Verde Media went out of business like all the other DOTCOMS... ©1999-2001, Reduviidae, Inc. - All rights reserved |